


Goner

by galaxyphoenicx



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Depression, Drinking, M/M, Suicide, it gets good I promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-26
Updated: 2017-02-26
Packaged: 2018-09-27 00:47:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9942731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/galaxyphoenicx/pseuds/galaxyphoenicx
Summary: Matsukawa wonders if living is even worth it. Hanamaki reminds him it is.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written in a long time. I decided to write this since I've been feeling down, so it's kinda a reflection of that. Thank you for deciding to read. I hope to write more often.

Matsukawa’s legs dangled over the ledge of the building. How easy it could be just to end it all, to let the constant suffering end with just one movement.

He watched the cars blur through the streets, watched as the sun went down and lights turn on one by one. The people looked small from this height, blurred and insignificant, just as he was. No one looked up, no one noticed as he kicked his feet in the air. No one cared. He should have expected as much.

Matsukawa wondered if there was even a point in him having left a note. Would anyone come and read it? Would he be forgotten once again?

In his hands, a large bottle of whatever alcohol he could get his hands on. The smell was strong, disgusting, but the burn in his throat reminded him he was as much alive as anyone else.

There was something bitter welling up inside him. He wasn't sure if it was just him getting cold feet, or if he ironically wished to be alive.

His lips curled up, twisting into a bitter smile as he started to laugh, laying back against the cement of the rooftop. He reached his arms up, his eyes settling on the sky, open and too big for him to feel any less insignificant.

“Of all the people I could have been…” he spat bitterly. “I could have been anything. I could have been the son of a rich man, the son of someone important. I could have been important. Instead,” he paused, taking a swig from the bottle, “I was a poor bastard. Son of two poor assholes who always fought, who always took it out on me, who got mixed up in shit and jailed a few times.”

He laughed again, unamused by his own words. “I could have been anyone…”

Matsukawa could feel tears forming in his eyes, his chest clenching tightly as he tried to contain his sobs. But at this point, what would it matter if he let it out.

“I could -could have b-been great. I could have finished school. I… I could have been someone who was loved, who- who someone could have been proud of. But why…? Why was I this?” His voice cracked, tears coming in waves, chest heaving.

“I never wanted to feel like this… I-I never wanted any of this.” He let go of the bottle, bringing his hands to his face, attempting to wipe away the tears that never stopped coming.

After a while, Matsukawa felt his crying calm down, his eyes no longer filled with tears. When he wiped the last of them away, he noticed how dark it had become. The stars were so bright, illuminating the sky despite the city lights below.

Strangely, he hadn’t felt so alone.

He laid there, watching the sky, it was after a few hours that the roof door opened, footsteps coming toward him. Matsukawa didn't bother looking up, recognizing the pattern.

“Why’d you come?” he asked, not once looking away from the sky.

“Well,” the voice said, “I stopped by and saw your note. I figured you needed someone.”

“Didn't peg you for the sentimental type, Hiro.”

“Yeah well, I am full of surprises,” said Hanamaki sitting next to him. There was a long period of silence before Hanamaki spoke again. “Are… are you really going to jump?”

“Why? Are you gonna jump with me?”

“Well if it meant you wouldn't be alone, then yeah.”

“Hiro, didn't your mom ever teach you not to do what anyone else does?”

“If she was actually a good one, then maybe.”

There was more silence, but Matsukawa could hear Hanamaki shifting to lay down. He could feel a Hanamaki’s fingers lacing through his.

“What are you doing?”

“Reminding your dumbass that you're not alone.”

“Look, I appreciate this Hiro but-”

“But nothing. You think I'm going to leave you? No. I'm not letting you jump. I don't care what it takes… I'm not letting you do it.”

“Hiro…”

“Issei, let me be there for you.” He sat up, leaning toward Matsukawa. “I'm not leaving your side. Not until I know you won't jump.”

“But what if I want to? Why can't you let me do this?”

“Because!” He turned away. “Because I would miss you. Not only that but no one gets my stupid jokes like you do. No one understand what I'm going through like you do. No one makes me laugh and enjoy things like you do.” He turned back. “No one is you.”

Matsukawa wasn't even sure what to say. He didn't know that Hanamaki even felt remotely anything for him. He figured their relationship was superficial, just a fling that they had to keep them from going under. There was so much more to it than he thought, more so that he had felt the same as him.

“Takahiro…” he sat up, looking at Hanamaki, searching for something, an answer or a sign maybe. “Do… do you really feel that way?”

“Of course! You think I was with you for the hell of it. Whenever I'm with you it's like I'm alive again. My life has been utter hell, and since I met you -even as dangerous as it has been - has been so fun. I've never been happier.” He smiled taking Matsukawa’s face in his hands, cupping and caressing his cheeks, looking deep into his eyes. “You've been like a blessing in my life - even if your taste in memes is terrible.”

Matsukawa laughed, placing his hands over Hanamaki’s. “Thank you,” he said softly, “I… I'm not an easy guy to deal with. I always feel like this. I've - i’ve tried to make it stop, but…”

“I know. Trust me… I know. But that's okay.” He leaned in, bringing their foreheads together. He looked deep into Matsukawa’s eyes. “It will be okay. We've got each other right? Plus we still have the married couple too, even if one of them is a pain in the ass.”

“Yeah, I guess so. He’s always complaining about something.”

“Yeah, but I think it’s Oikawa for ‘I care about you’ or something.”

“If that.”

They laughed, Hanamaki pulling away, only to bring him into a hug. “I love you. Please never jump. If you ever feel like you need to, we can go bungee jumping.”

“Pfft, are you sure that’s wise? Don't those cables break?”

“Well… we can always just jump in bed, or a trampoline. I'm sure we can find some rich asshole’s yard and jump in.”

“That sounds better.” Matsukawa pulled away, getting up, arms stretching above him. “You know for a shitty city, it’s got a great view.”

“Tell me about it. You would have missed out.”

“Nah, I'm pretty sure hell has a nice view too.”

“You think so? Isn't it always on fire? I mean wouldn't the view of fire get boring after awhile?” Hanamaki got up, stretching as well and grabbing hold of Matsukawa’s hand pulling him back to where the roof door was. “We should get going. Iwaizumi and Oikawa were going to treat us to some drinks.”

“Must be nice to have a job.”

“I'm sure you’ll get one.”

“Do you think my legs are nice enough to earn me some bucks?”

Hanamaki looked behind Matsukawa. “I'm sure you could make at least five hundred a night, a thousand if you shake your ass.”

“It’s settled then.”

“As long as I get to have VIP access.”

“I will make sure.”

They walked toward the door, Hanamaki going first. Matsukawa took one last look at the city skyline, smiling to himself.

Not to day.


End file.
